31 Life Lessons For Turning 31
*Disclaimers:
I am not very old so this advice might be very bad.
I got weirdly more aggressive as I wrote these. So some are more rants than lessons. C’est la vie.
1. Go to bed angry: “Don’t go to bed angry” was some bullshit invented by boomers which really means, “Don’t feel your feelings. Wrap this emotional mess up NOW.” Sometimes you have a fight with your partner at 9pm and you’re both dumb and tired and the fight will be less emotionally charged after you both get some sleep.
2. Turn off ALL phone notifications & put your phone on silent (not vibrate, SILENT): I shouldn’t have to explain this one, but there is absolutely nothing so important on your phone that it can’t wait until YOU want to check in. You don’t owe anyone an immediate response, you don’t need to see your emails the second they come in, there is no news so important that it can’t wait a few hours (or even days) to catch up on. Also, not only are those notifications extremely distracting for your own brain, they’re also extremely distracting for the people around you. Turn. It. Off.
3. Get your vitamin levels checked: I don’t know why doctors are so reticent to check vitamin levels in young people, but I FINALLY found a doctor this year that delved into a full blood panel with me and I discovered I am extremely vitamin D deficient as well as B12 deficient. Since adding these vitamins into my health regime, I almost never get sick anymore and I have so much more energy. Most people are vitamin deficient in SOMETHING. Look into it.
4. Do not put your savings in a checking account: I’ve always been pretty careful to keep a savings cushion for emergencies. However, I only recently started to understand how much more money your money can make by getting that cash into a high yield savings account and other investment accounts and really comprehending compounding interest. Plus, when you get that money out of your main bank account, you will be way less likely to accidentally spend it.
5. But don’t get so obsessive about retirement that you forget to live right now: I volunteered helping hospice patients prepare for death this past year, and everyone I worked with was under the age of 60. There’s no guarantee we will make it to retirement. There’s also no guarantee that we’ll stay in good health through our retirement. It seems really weird to spend your youngest, healthiest years saving every penny so that when you’re in your late 60s you don’t have to work at all anymore. I’m still searching for the balance between future security and present enjoyment, but I think I’m getting to a good place. I utilize my full 4% 401K matching, and also dump a little extra into a Roth IRA every month, but I also travel, ride bikes, ski, and see a lot of the natural world (which requires cash money). I’ve had to make peace with the fact that I don’t own a house yet and that I’ve still got student loans to pay off. But I also feel like I get to do an awful lot of living right now. I try not to save anything for “when I’m retired.”
6. Move more: I know, I know, 31 isn’t THAT old, but it is old enough that I’m beginning to notice my body isn’t quite the same as it used to be. In 30 years, I have never once twisted an ankle, and this year, I’ve twisted both within five months of each other and they are taking forever to fully heal (in fact, I’m not sure they will ever fully heal). It’s also getting harder to put on muscle and maintain aerobic fitness, even with regular workouts. I’m beginning to see how easy it could be to sit at work all day, move for one hour in a climate-controlled gym, then call it a day. I learned in my death doula course that the number one indicator it’s time for a nursing home is when you can no longer stand up from the toilet without aid. This happens way more often than you’d think. Also, one in three people who break a hip over age 50 die within a year because movement gets too difficult and a million health complications arise from that. It’s so important to maintain mobility, at every age. But it’s especially important to do it while you’re young (ish) so that you have a leg up (ha..get it?) as your body changes and gets a little tougher to work with.
7. There are no “right” or “wrong” decisions: Don’t spend so much time worrying about making the “wrong” decision that you end up making no decision at all. I don’t think that’s how the universe works. I don’t think there’s some predetermined route for us to follow that we are tasked with constantly figuring out how to stay on. I just think there are decisions, and then those decisions lead to other decisions, and those lead to even more, and we just keep making decisions and bouncing around like a pinball until we die. And that, to me, is beautiful.
8. Learn to give actual apologies: If your apology begins with “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry you feel…” I’m going to stop you right there and tell you that is not an apology.
9. You don’t have to listen to Instagram activists to be a good person: You do not have to do anything that social media activists tell you to do. You do not have to post anything you don’t feel comfortable posting. You do not have to “use your platform.” You are allowed to be happy and silly during times of war and deep pain. You are allowed to take days, weeks, months, or years to develop your thoughts on a difficult matter. You do not need to “take a stance.” We don’t need any more “hot takes.” You do not need to read the comments. You do not need to be informed about EVERYTHING (but you should be informed about SOMETHING). Silence is not always violence (silence can be deep thought and critical analysis). *Side note: Posting something on the ‘gram does not give you any magical moral standing over others.
10. Try to believe in something: It doesn’t have to be GOD. Or RELIGION. It most definitely doesn’t have to be something black and white. But if you don’t have ANY belief system, it is very hard to be resilient. My brother recently pointed out that he’s interested in a belief system around Aldo Leopold’s land ethic, which goes like this, “A thing is right when it tends to preserve the integrity, stability, and beauty of the biotic community. It is wrong when it tends otherwise.” I love the simplicity of that. I would recommend not becoming an asshole about your belief, but if you ever find yourself stuck or in troubling times, a solid belief or body of philosophy to turn back to can serve as a kind of resiliency foundation.
11. Get your own bed: Let me make some enemies right now: If you share a bed with your partner (even a really big bed) there is no way you are getting quality sleep. J and I haven’t slept in the same bed since 2020 and it has been absolutely life changing. I am a notoriously light/troubled sleeper and since making the bed separation, I have slept so much better and have had far fewer guilt-stricken days of keeping him awake (or being mad that he kept me awake). Even if you think you’re a deep sleeper with no sleep problems, your partner is absolutely causing you to come out of deep sleep more often than if you slept in your own bed (or even better, your own bedroom). So let’s all get over the bullshit notion that couples need to sleep in the same bed to have a happy relationship and instead start ensuring we first have happy sleep.
12. Increase your window of tolerance: Annoyingly, another piece of advice from my brother (Um, hello? I’m the oldest sibling. Aren’t I supposed to be the one imparting wisdom?). We’ve all got a window of tolerance for bullshit (or perceived bullshit). Maybe that’s bad drivers, idiot coworkers, dealing with customer service for health insurance, etc. While we’ll likely never have control over the bullshit, we do have control over our window of tolerance for the bullshit. And with a little daily work, we can slowly pry that window open so that the bullshit becomes less annoying.
13. Take medication if you need to: If you’re really struggling with your mental health and you’ve tried all the “natural” ways to improve it to no avail, try prescription medication. You’re not weak. You’re not lazy. And you deserve to feel like a normal ass person. *Bonus lesson: Don’t be afraid to try a few different medications until you get it right. It’s worth it.
14. Don’t take things personally unless someone tells you it’s personal: Let me be clear: Don’t take things personally does NOT mean that no one ever means things personally. It means that unless someone directly says, “Hey, I’ve got to talk to you about something hard,” you don’t have to do the labor of interpreting what they “actually” meant. Stop worrying if people are mad at you, disappointed in you, frustrated with you, etc. If they don’t have the half an ounce of thoughtfulness and maturity it takes to say what they’re actually thinking, they’re not worth your time overanalyzing their one word text reply. (This is also why I absolutely cannot stand romance shows like Bridgerton where the entire premise is built around people not saying what they actually mean. And also why I want to slap anyone who shows me a text and says, “What do you think they “meant” by this?” I DUNNO! Safe to assume they meant exactly what they said. Or you could ask them to clarify. Those are kind of the only two options?!?!)
15. Set an annual physical challenge for yourself: This does not need to be a marathon. I REPEAT: THIS DOES NOT NEED TO BE A MARATHON. Get more creative than that. Set a somewhat uncomfortable, physical challenge to get you out of your comfort zone. Do it with friends. Train for it. And then start planning for next year’s.
16. Prioritize your community: You know who is definitely not going to be there for you in tough times? Your job. You know who will? Your beautiful community. Make time for your nearby friends. Celebrate with them. Mourn with them. Go on adventures with them.
17. Don’t have kids if you’re not 100% certain you want kids: I will not be elaborating further.
18. Give 20% at work: A friend once told me 80% of a job is just showing up. At the time, that seemed utterly impossible. Now a decade into my career, I can confirm that as long as you show up when you say you will, you only need to bring about 20% to the rest of your job.
19. Even “meaningful” work doesn’t actually matter: We’re hurtling through space on a wet rock. Your performance review for that amazing nonprofit single-handedly stopping climate change or rescuing puppies from burning buildings still does not matter.
20. Refuse to live in ugly spaces: This is advice from a roommate-turned-friend who cultivated one of the most gorgeous, cozy living spaces I’ve ever had the privilege of existing in. The physical place where you live will have the greatest impact on your mental well being. Make it good.
21. Learn your local flora and fauna: I’ve noticed a lot of people feel the need to list the many countries they’ve traveled to along with their highly coveted “digital nomad” status in their social media profiles and in the words of the great Shania Twain, that don’t impress me much. If you can’t name five common birds or plants around your town, I absolutely do not want to hear about the five countries you breezed through (read: consumed) in your six day trip to Europe last summer. Learn about where you live first and expand from there.
22. Celebrate yourself: Not just birthdays. Not just holidays. Celebrate everything. Life is way too short to say, “Eh, this isn’t big enough for a celebration.”
23. Don’t travel light: I used to pride myself on how light I could travel and wore my scrappy suffering and single grimy sports bra like a badge of honor. Guess who was impressed by me? Absolutely no one. Now-a-days, if I’m traveling by car, I’m bringing every little luxury. If I’m traveling by plane, my carry on is stuffed within an inch of its life. I want my teas and my cozy clothes and both sets of headphones and SLIPPERS and I don’t want to have to prove to anyone that I can get by without them.
24. Use a nice mug: I have a hot beverage within minutes of waking up EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I am not putting that deliciously crafted beverage into a garbage basic bitch mug from T.J. Maxx that means absolutely nothing to anyone to start my day. Jesus. I am putting that gorgeous drink into a gorgeous handmade mug that fits my palm perfectly and is so pretty I can’t help but feel grateful to get to live on this earth another day. Step up your mug game.
25. Healing requires changing: I have spent too much of my life wishing I could heal from trauma by quietly meditating, or going to therapy, and then suddenly my life would just get easier or go back to the way it was before the trauma. You can’t “heal” something in your life and expect it to stay the same. Healing is going to require breakups, moves, quitting jobs, starting jobs, parting with things and people, bringing in new things and people, losing money, spending money, finding money, and overall approaching the situation in a completely new way.
26. Develop rituals: I light a candle when I write. I play the NYT word games before bed. I like cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. I’m still working to grow my rituals into more tangible practices, but a ritual helps put your brain in the space for that particular moment.
27. Try out new lives before committing: A lot of literature and modern media depicts people with this sudden “knowing” of what they’re supposed to be doing with their lives, and off they go on this grand adventure to do that! That’s never been the case for me. Over the last few years, I’ve been testing different careers and different lives to see how they feel before making commitments. I got Reiki certified because I thought maybe I wanted to be a Reiki practitioner. I got a death doula certificate from the University of Vermont because that seemed like an interesting career. I’ve tried farming and volunteering with a rabbit rescue and all kinds of other focuses to see what interests me and where the hiccups happen. You’re not wishy-washy because you want to test things out. You’re just gathering data.
28. Read more: Articles, books, poems, ANYTHING other than scrolling “content” on your phone. (This is advice I’m telling to myself more than I’m telling it to you.)
29. Play boardgames with your friends: A couple of friends and I started playing Everdell this year and it’s been such a delight to get together over something other than alcohol. Plus, boardgames have this magical ability to get you out of your own head and the complexities of the world and instead put you just into the complexities of the game for a couple of hours.
30. Write things down: No, you will not remember that. Get a notebook, keep a journal, and write shit down. Take note of your days, even if it’s just a sentence or two so you have something to reflect on later. You’ll always remember the past differently. It’s good to get reminders of how far you’ve come.
31. Keep track of your life lessons throughout the year so that you aren’t panic-writing a list at the last minute hoping you can fully encapsulate everything you’ve learned about life in between work calls and dishes and laundry.
